It’s hard to make our kids do anything, even something basic like eating. Certainly something as challenging as developing a spiritual life. As parents we don’t want to force feed our children, for obvious reasons.
Instead, in the following ways we must “set the table” for them and encourage them so they can partake the moment they’re interested.
1. Little kids see the world through the lenses arranged by their parents. When parents talk about G-d in age-appropriate ways, children will see G-d as part of their world too. On Thanksgiving, for example, there’s a big difference between asking the family and guests, “What are you thankful for?” and “What are you thankful to G-d for?” When parents never speak about G-d or prayer, we can’t expect children to fully import this from somewhere else, even from the Temple religious school. Words form worlds.
2. Parents also model behaviors their children will emulate. The more parents make blessings at home and attend services at Temple, the more foundational these acts become in the children’s eyes. Let them see you doing this. Actions speak louder than words.
3. Embrace music and song as integral to spirituality. The prayers I know by heart are the ones to which I know tunes. There is a universe of Jewish liturgy that is sung to catchy, beautiful tunes, available on any computer. Music touches the soul as nothing else can.
4. Reach for quality and quantity. Personal prayers should be heartfelt – short and sweet. Moses’ prayer to heal his sister Miriam was just five words: “Please, G-d, heal her now” (Nu. 12:13). At the same time, for communal prayer there’s no substitute for time in Temple. Axiomatically, the more kids hear the songs and prayers in Temple, the more comfortable they will feel in our building – and any Temple in the world.
When I was little, at bedtime my parents would share with me my “Big Day,” in which we recapped everything that happened. In my teenage years, away from home for the first time while at camp, I used to recall the good things that happened to me that day. With my head on the pillow, I thanked G-d for all those blessings. With that awareness, I opened myself up to traditional Jewish prayer. But I already had the foundation of knowing the words and tunes from countless services in day school and Temple. My parents arranged for that. I really believe that my commitment to Jewish prayer would be less had my parents not framed the world as good in my early years.
The Kotzker rebbe notes an unusual expression in the Shma prayer. The Hebrew says “Al Levavecha-Place these words…on your heart.” Wouldn’t it be more natural to say “in your heart”? The rabbi notes that sometimes human hearts are closed to G-d and spirituality. Even then, we still teach them, for one day their hearts will open and the accumulated teachings and traditions will then penetrate their newly opened hearts.
As parents we can’t open their hearts to G-d and spirituality. But we can and should “set the table” for them for the moment they develop that spiritual thirst.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Alex Freedman